A Slice of Bacon

For a week I’ve tried to convince a friend of mine to go see “The Town,” Ben Affleck’s latest directing job, with me. He wasn’t that excited, telling me repeatedly that he felt it would be terrible. 

But, we went. He came with as I attempted to convince him that a movie about bad guys in Boston was still a cliche worth pursing. The movie kicked off and we were glued, watching a terrific performance by Affleck and Jeremy Renner. (Side tangent: Am I the only blogger that isn’t obsessed with Jon Hamm? I’ve tried repeatedly getting into “Mad Men” and just can’t, and then I read all these stories about how great he is. I’m calling this the “Bill Simmons Curve” by the way, because anyone that Simmons obsesses over constantly ends up becoming a star on the blogosphere.) 

The plot ran its course, showing us the ins and outs of bank robbery with precise details that actually had me thinking, “Maybe Affleck is smart enough to write “Good Will Hunting.”“ 

Then the guys hit Fenway Park. Spoiler Alert: the last bank job the guys were going to do is rob Fenway after a big weekend, with their flower shop boss telling them that the money at the baseball stadium would be upwards of $3.5 million. They planned it out well, and were off to steal from the Sox. 

This is where the movie became nearly inconceivable. For a movie that had little humor in it, the last 25 minutes were spent laughing between my friend and I. 

Here, in no particular order, are things that happened that made absolutely ZERO sense.

— Affleck’s crackhead girlfriend gets in a wreck with a car after he tells her that he isn’t going to take her with him when he leaves Boston, is high off her ass, and ends up calling Hamm’s character to tell him the entire plot of the robbery. I don’t rob a lot of banks (shocking, I know), but if I did, the last person I would tell is A.) A girl and B.) a girl that is unstable. Somehow the girlfriend knew exactly what was planned, and had the entire Boston task force outside Fenway when the robbery went down.

— While I won’t even start on what we were supposed to believe the fat robber was doing when he decided to drive the ambulance out of Fenway to distract the cops (no way a guy is just going to take the grunt of the sentencing if he is this shady of a character … not even nice, selfless people are spending 10 years in jail and letting everyone else get off free), I do have to point out that he drove his ambulance as fast as possible into some van and died. That seemed like a good plan.

— Since fat boy got them off the hook, Affleck and Renner changed into cop outfits and mingled with some Boston PD, who just happened to be walking in at that exact same time (convenient!). Renner, who was the “bad boy” in all of this, decided to STILL CARRY THE BIG BLACK BAG OF MONEY WITH HIM AS HE TRIED TO ESCAPE AN INESCAPABLE SITUATION! Obviously Hamm noticed a cop walking away from the scene of the crime carrying a huge bag and followed him.

— As Hamm is calling out to Renner, Renner turns around, with an AUTOMATIC WEAPON, and fires directly at Hamm, missing him about 560 times. Hamm also fires his weapon at Renner and misses. Now, listen, I know it’s a movie, blah blah blah, but seriously, imagine this for a moment. I give you a pistol that you’ve never fired before, and ask you to stand eight feet away from me. Now, I tell you when I yell fire, you must shoot me. What are the chances you can pull this off without me running away? I’d say 85 percent for almost anyone with hands. So, with that scenario out of the way, imagine you are a bank robber who has killed people before. The safety is off. Your gun is automatic, and pumps out about four shells per second. How are you not able to hit a big, burly man that is standing directly in front of you? How dumb do they think we are? Also, to add insult to injury, Renner chased Hamm around a car, still shooting, and failed to hit him even once. Likely.

— Affleck, who is watching Renner get killed, stands in a completely exposed area instead of, hell, I don’t know, running the fuck away! Your friend is distracting the police from looking for you! You only have a few minutes before you are the focus! Haven’t you ever watched “The Fugitive?!” Arghhhh

— Affleck, who calls his real girlfriend to ask her if they can see each other (the cops are in her apartment and somehow he is in the building next, watching), tells her he will come (but obviously isn’t), and instead of getting out of town, decides to A.) hide a bunch of money for people B.) put a note ON THE POLICE OFFICER LOOKING FOR HIM’S CAR C.) write a note to said girlfriend.

I have to say without a doubt that the before the whole Fenway scene, I was as impressed with an action movie as I’d been in some time. It was “Departed” without all the cheesy foreshadowing. It had the chance to be something great, because unlike most robber movies, you felt that this shit could actually happen.

And then, I guess, someone told Affleck that if he wrote in a part about Fenway Park, he might get to sleep on the Green Monster one night or something.

Movie grade - C-