the pet name game
When you first look at the word “pet name,” you think of a significant other; someone you love, that you call “baby” or “schmukums” or “honey bun.” But that isn’t what I’m talking about. Those are formal, and are only reserved for people you know and are intimate in some form or the other.
No, I’m talking about the informal pet name. The word that people call you at a coffee place or a magazine shop. The kind of stuff that, personally, makes me cringe. I’ve decided to list some of the most popular, and give my take on what type of person gives them.
Hun - This is normally sent my way from an older lady that has as many chins as she does stints. She labors over grits or hashbrowns most of her day, and can’t exactly tell you who the vice president is, but knows “it sounds something like Bruden.”
Bud - The worst, in my opinion, bud is the word sent out by the 33-year-old guy that still has no clue what he wants to do with his life. The hair is usually receding, and four days out of the week, he is hungover at his job. He looks at you not as a kid, but as a person that isn’t as cool as him, or still can’t “live like he lives.” This man hates himself.
Bro - He is probably wearing an Affliction shirt, and if he isn’t, he has three in the laundry. Also, he hasn’t properly shaken a hand since he hit puberty.
Ma’am or sir - The type of person that holds the door open for people and still tries to be polite, even if he/she really doesn’t believe in it anymore. This person probably wouldn’t be bad to have a scotch with, but be careful, because he might try to sell you some insurance if you order a second.
Champ - Much like the “bud” guy, except he probably has hit a girl in the last month. That or he is an alcoholic teeball coach.
Boss - Have you see that movie “I Love You, Man” with Paul Rudd? You know the other real estate agent in his office that looks at old lady porn? Well, that’s the “boss” guy.
Hoss - He drives a truck, he eats a lot of read meat, and he probably hasn’t taken a shit that lasts less than 10 minutes since he was in diapers.
Chief - This guy doesn’t respect you … at all. Chief is to the “improper pet names” what “bitch” is to your mother. The guy that says this should never be trusted. Leave immediately, or get out of the cab he’s driving.
Pumpkin - The lady that called you this is cute. You should carry her groceries for her.
Got any others? Let me know.
